Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Limited capacity for unlimited knowledge
Monday, July 19, 2010
Rindu yang meragu
Saturday, July 10, 2010
London, hari ini.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Old time glory
But then i starting a conversation via a BB messenger with a friend of mine. A special friend, I must say. I then said to her that i'm sharing the happiness that currently in the air of Jakarta. And i remember how happy I was when i received an email that confirming my admission in Universiteit van Amsterdam almost a year ago. I still exactly feeling the joy and happiness of that very sweet moment precisely. That's why i absolutely understand how it feels to get accepted in the university of your dream.
On that particular night, i was in the internet shop in the front of my rented room in Kampung Kukusan - Depok. I were plugging my own laptop there, checking my email. And suddenly one email knocked me out. It said, i am accepted. My first reaction was running to my room, screaming, yelling, jumping. I'm sure i disturbed the peacefulness of the building that evening. That emotion is simply too good. I get what i've been dreaming for the last two years, back then.
Without many thoughts, i borrow my bestfriend's motorcycle to come home right away after the announcement. And suddenly many friends congragulated you via sms and phone calls. That was awesome ! Feels great and so right. Arrived at home, i exchanged tears with my mother. A very warm hug as usual. My father of course also very happy.
Then the conversation still goes. We talked about our last dinner at the restaurant in nearby Kebayoran Baru. She asked me whether i still remember or not. How could i forget that evening, for God's sake. It was a special night, at least for me. I still remember precisely that i borrow my mother's car, as well as borrow my brother's "Topman"shirt in checker red. I were totally happy at that night. I can tell that my eyes were shining while i'm spilling out my talk. My eyes were talking. It was simply a perfect evening. Just too damn sweet to remember.
Those last few weeks before my departure are one of the best periods of my life. Ever. Few celebrations with closest friends and family, several intimate talk with colleagues, and of course several farewell moments. It was a great moment with great people. Simply glorious, yet too sweet.
And now here i am, in the the university library. Instead of doing my assignment, i'm busy writing about those glorious moments. I can't stop smiling since about 30 minutes ago, already. Somehow i feel more pressure over my chest. It feels like it has lesser spaces. I'm happy by remenescing those days.
--
Indahnya masa-masa itu selalu mengingatkanku akan betapa manisnya Jakarta. Terlalu manis untuk tak dapat tempat di memori. Walaupun juga tak sedikit kegetiran disana. Masa muda dengan semua romansanya, kesombongannya, keangkuhannya, dan kebodohannya. But yeah, for the sake of the old time glory.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Copenhagen
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
In repair
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
...
Those pieces of "In Repair" by John Mayer are suddenly being played in my head with repeat-mode. I don't know why, but lately I simply not feeling okay about myself. I have no problem with school. I passed all of my course. But i don't know, it simply doesn't feels right.
I got friends and buddies who i can share my story with. I'm not alone, neither lonely, but i just feel like i had something to be fixed with myself. In fact, i have a less schedule during the last 10-months or so of my study. With less busy schedule, somehow i felt like less productive. So many waste of time and energy. The allocation of the time wasn't good lately. I did too much unnecessary things in the last couples of months.
And emotional-wise, i found that i'm losing my sense of "greatness". I'm losing my "self-serving bias" that always supports me all the way. I feel i'm marginal, now. I'm now sometimes whispering myself "I was special, but not anymore". What the hell's wrong here ? Where the hell's those nice-and-positive feelings went from myself ? I feel like those glorious days are over. Those tiring-yet-exciting days during the last 5 years or so. Those young, restless, and yet reckless spirit. I want those spirit back.
Tonight, i feel like my soul is half-empty. I am not okay. And i have to do something about it. I don't know how, but i should fixed this. And i will.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Minggu dini hari
Berbekal abstraksi diri yang tak selalu memberi arti
Dia yang tenggelam di dalam lamunan
Di simpang ladang-ladang harapan tak bertuan
Dia yang merayap di tengah gelap
Di medan yang tak selalu sesuai dengan harap
Dia yang berdiri di kaki langit
Yang tetap tegar di hadapan realita yang menghimpit
Terus bergerak dan jangan terhenti
Karena berhenti berarti mati
--
amsterdam, 150510
Monday, April 26, 2010
Aku yang meragu, diantara mimpi-mimpi yang ambigu
Saat saya menulis tulisan ini, seharusnya saya sedang mengerjakan tugas essay 1000 kata dari mata kuliah Strategy and Organisation. Seperti biasa, kalau seharusnya sedang mengerjakan tugas tapi ujungnya malah nulis di blog, berarti sedang ada sesuatu.
Hari ini usia saya 20 tahun, 5 bulan, 26 hari . Dalam dua semester lagi, insyaallah saya jadi sarjana. Satu Sarjana Ekonomi, dan satu lagi Bachelor of Science in Economics and Business. Delapan minggu lalu, mimpi-mimpi saya masih konkret, semuanya masih jelas. Rencananya sehabis S1 mau cari pengalaman kerja dulu, satu atau dua tahun, lanjut S2 (kalau ada biaya), baru lantas pulang ke Indonesia jadi pengusaha. Halus benar ya tampaknya, ya namanya juga mimpi.
Lantas, beberapa minggu terakhir begitu banyak mimpi baru bermunculan. Mulai dari mau kuliah agriculture and rural development di Belanda, sustainable development di Britania Raya, perikanan di Norway, sampai juga terobsesi kuliah economic development dan entreprenenurship di London. Mimpi mau jadi petani dan turut berkontribusi di daerah rural, kerja di WorldBank atau lembaga-lembaga development lainnya, dan lain-lain. Begitu banyak mimpi baru mengepul di kepala, sampai akhirnya sampai satu titik saya bertanya pertanyaan sederhana yang biasa terlontar sewaktu saya masih jadi anak sekolah dasar : "kalau sudah besar, kamu mau jadi apa ?". Ya benar, saya bertanya, "Saya ini mau jadi apa sebenarnya ?"
Ibarat pesawat terbang, arah sih masih ada, tapi saya kehilangan ketinggian jelajah. Ujungnya jadi bingung sendiri mau apa sehabis sarjana. Beberapa rekan bilang, "yang penting lulus sarjana aja dulu, Rif". Ya, I know. Kalo lulus sarjana sih jelas wajib, tapi pertanyaannya sehabis itu lalu apa ? Intinya adalah, bukannya saya tidak punya tujuan sekarang, tapi karena terlalu banyak keinginan jadinya malah terjebak di mimpi-mimpi sendiri.
Sebenarnya semua field of interest saya itu berhubungan. Entrepreneurship, Agriculture, dan Economic Development itu setali tiga uang. Para petani kita harus memiliki entrepreneurial mindset agar bisa bergerak dari commodity based agriculture ke value-added based agriculture. Kalau pada prosesnya para pelaku bisnis itu memperhatikan keseimbangan dan kesinambungan antara aspek-aspek, lingkungan, sosial, dan ekonomi, barulah nantinya tercipta yang namanya konsep sustainable development.
Setelah berbincang dengan beberapa teman dan googling, katanya saya ini sedang terjangkit gejala apa yang mereka sebut sebagai quarter life crisis. Ciri-cirinya ada beberapa, anda bisa baca sendiri di Wiki, atau sumber lainnya. Alexandra Robbins sampai menulis dua buku tentang hal ini. QLC biasa terjadi pada young adults usia awal 20an sampai mereka memasuki usia 30. Sangat umum pada mereka yang sedangbridging antara lulus dari bangku kuliah dan memasuki dunia kerja. Kalau menurut buku nya Alexa Robbins, "when they struggle to find their place in the world". Saya rasa masih terlalu cepat untuk QLC buat saya sekarang, saya berusia 20 saja belum genap setengah tahun.
Sulitnya jadi seseorang yang terlalu self-conscious memang begini. Tapi tak apa, toh saya tidak merugikan siapa-siapa. Mungkin sudah saatnya saya untuk istirahat sejanak untuk terus membuat rencana. Saatnya untuk tarik nafas sejenak dan mengerjakan apa yang ada di depan mata. Kalau kata band kenamaan di Indonesia, Padi, "bukankah hidup ada perhentian ? tak harus kencang terus berlari".
Semoga saja ini temporer. Saya harap Jakarta bisa membantu saya keluar dari gejala dengan istilah aneh ini. Tak harus lantas langsung banting setir memulai sesuatu yang baru. Saya tahu sebenarnya arahnya sudah berbentuk, hanya tinggal dipoles sedikit saja biar makin terstruktur. Mungkin ada baiknya untuk mengganti sejenak alat bantu melihat, dari teropong jarak jauh ke kacamata jarak menengah.
Banyak yang bilang, sangat sulit dan tidak baik bila kita hidup hanya untuk memenuhi ekspektasi orang lain. Saya sendiri meng-amin-i. Tapi saya baru tahu bahwasannya, menjawab ekspektasi diri sendiri itu jauh lebih sulit.